The other day I bought a Halloween outfit for Teagan and then a coordinating one for Kenedi. I didn’t buy a matching one for Kendal. Teagan was with me shopping and when she asked me why we weren’t getting Kendal one, all I could muster up to say in the middle of target without breaking down in tears was “she doesn’t need one sweetie”, and thankfully, my typically-curious-question-machine-4-year-old didn’t push any further.
When the twins were originally diagnosed 2 years ago this month, I remember not being able to buy Christmas outfits for them. I vividly remember a conversation with a friend on how I could bear to buy outfits because what if they wouldn’t be able to wear them. Clothes are funny like that. They are just clothes but for some reason can often take a hold of your heart.
I remember the outfits I brought the twins home in.
The outfits they were wearing when we learned of their diagnosis.
The outfits they were wearing on their first Halloween in the hospital.
The outfits they were wearing on their first Christmas (which was also spent in the hospital).
The outfits they we wearing on their last day of chemo.
The outfits they were wearing on their discharge day.
The outfit Kendal was wearing when we learned of her relapse.
And they were all matching sets.
When I look into the twins’ closet it is filled with memories of when each outfit was worn. Anyone who knows me knows I’m a little clothing obsessed and so the twins have A LOT of clothes. But that also, for me, means A LOT of memories. Memories of my matching set of children playing, exploring, hitting milestones together. As a set. A pair. 2 of a kind. 2 peas in a pod.
But now I also see a section of closet starting. A section of singleton clothing for Kenedi only. Outfits that don’t have their match. And it’s hard. It’s so hard to know that sometime in the near future, my matching set will no longer be. Kenedi will no longer have her other half. I’ll be without 1/3 of my heart here on this earth. There will come a time where I will have to go and take down one half of all of my matching sets, and pack them away.
I was explaining this to a friend the other day, about how hard this will be. How am I supposed to pack up half of these clothes? How am I supposed to see Kenedi in outfits that I know have a matching set, but her match is no longer here. How do I deal with no longer having a matching set? And this friend calmly reminded me that no matter what, I will always be a twin mom. I will always have 3 kids. Kenedi will always be a twin. And I will always have a matching set.
And you know what? She is right.