Missing Out

Last night I didn’t get much sleep. And by not much, I mean about an hour. I was pacing the floors carrying miss Kenedi who has been having a ROUGH round (to say the least). She’s been fussy the last few days after a lab error and receiving too much blood for her little body. (She seems to be on the mend today). It was 330 am and I had barely slept. I was silently cursing Aaron who was home comfortably sleeping, in his bed, MY BED, without any kids to be awake with or take care of. And I started thinking about all the sleep I’ve been missing out on. Which lead me to think about all the other things I’ve been missing or missed out on.  And it started snowballing from there.

Yes, I’m missing out on sleep. Tons of it, but what mom isn’t, right? But then I started thinking about my bed, which I haven’t slept in since last January. Almost an entire year.

I’ve missed out on work (tons of work!) and professional development. I have only worked 3 days since March. That’s hard for me, someone who has worked since they were 15. And I love my job. I’ve missed out on my year to be president of my paralegal association, which I was really looking forward to for the last two years

I missed out on the Iowa/Minnesota football game in Iowa! Something we’ve been trying to attend going on 5 years now.

I’ve missed out on attending school this semester which has put my graduation back another semester.

I started thinking about the last 4 months with Teagan that I missed out on. She’s grown into such a beautiful little girl full of imagination and wonder (and questions!) and I missed it. I even missed a birthday! Let’s be honest, though, that was harder on me than her.

I’m missing out on last dinners/runs/workouts/wine nights/play dates with one of my best friends who is moving far away (way too) soon.

I’m missing out on date nights with Aaron. Something we so terribly need. Not even date nights, but just conversations with him about something other than the twins’ cancer, treatment or about Teagan’s schedule would be so amazing.

The list goes on, but as you can see, I was in full blown pity party mode for myself. At 4 am. Kenedi finally fell asleep around 430 and I started thinking about the other side of the coin. Something I force myself to do often.

“Look at all the things you HAVEN’T missed, Abby”.

I got to witness the first time the girls rolled over.

I was there when they ate cereal for the first time.

I was there when they first smiled and belly laughed.

I was there when they got their first tooth.

I was there when they were sick and needed me and when they got better.

I was there for tummy time, music therapy and PT day in and day out.

I have been able to watch them grow, every single day. Not everyone gets to do that!

My point is yes, I’ve missed out on so many things the last 4.5 months that its just not fair. And sometimes, I get pretty mad about it. But where’s the joy in that? What good will dwelling on all the negatives bring other than making me a resentful mom and person? When I look at the big picture, it really isn’t so bad.  My girls are here and smiling and laughing. Even on the bad days.  And on top of all the firsts I’ve witnessed, I’ve had quality time with my girls that I never would have gotten otherwise. And that is something I wouldn’t trade that for the world.



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